Ok folks, today we’re going to have a quick chat about food stuffs, both your freedom food and my Straya Snacks. I have to set a few things straight as well as review of one of  your so-called ‘gastronomical delights’ so sit back, enjoy the show and start salivating.

Let us begin with vegemite.

Vegemite is like the national food of Australia. It’s made of leftover beer and magical b vitamins. Yes it looks like excrement and smells like old socks but it’s freaking delicious on any bread product and is really good friends with melted cheese.

The problem comes that you people think it’s Nutella or some such thing and just dig your spoon in and take a big ol’ gobfull then complain it’s terrible and awful and the nastiest thing you ever put in your mouth.

THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW YOU EAT VEGEMITE.

Firstly, throw that spoon away. Go on, do it now.  Get yourself a knife. And some butter. Lots of butter. Then, procure some form of bread item – a bagel, some toast, a bun, whatever you have handy. Toast the darn bread product and slather it with butter. Then layer a very exceedingly thin smear of vegemite on the butter (see below for correct ratio), shove it in your mouth while it’s still hot and experience the unbridled joy that is vegemite.

Unless you want to hate it, ensure a 90% butter 10% vegemite ratio on your bread product.
Unless you want to hate it, ensure a 90% butter 10% vegemite ratio on your bread product.

Glad we got that sorted.

Now we move on to Traditional Australian Birthday Party Food.

It’s my birthday upcoming in July and I want a little slice of home so I am trying to educate my Murican friends on what they need to prepare.

I am currently ignoring the friend who suggests they take me to Outback Steakhouse. I have seen the commercial and I have to say, I don’t think the people who run that place have ever even been to Australia and may have it confused with somewhere else. Possibly New Zealand.

It is a long held tradition that all Australian Birthday Parties have two staple items: Fairy Bread and Party Pies. You can have an assortment of other additional foods like jelly cakes, pavlova, vegemite toasties etc, but if there isn’t Fairy Bread and Party Pies, well, I fail to understand how you can even call it a party.

Fairy Bread is some 1960s Australian Mum’s attempt and jazzing up what is essentially the most boring food around – bread and butter. This is achieved by liberally dousing said bread and butter with sprinkles, which as we all know, are magical and make everything better.

Magical slices of party goodness - FAIRY BREAD!
Magical slices of party goodness – FAIRY BREAD!

Party Pies have the word ‘party’ in the name. Obviously, they get an invite to the cool table. They can be tricky little customers though – the insides tend to get nuclear hot whilst the pastry can crack and splurt out hot mincey goodness all over your best frock. Still, I will have a tantrum if I don’t see a plate of these on the table.

If you can eat one of these bad babies without scorching your mouth like the Australian desert or covering your clothes with the filling, well, you're not me.
If you can eat one of these bad babies without scorching your mouth like the Australian desert or covering your clothes with the filling, well, you’re not me.

Since I have been here, I have made a top notch effort at tasting many of the things you are famous for. I’ve had grits (they taste like old people food and sadness), candied yams (diabetes in a bowl) and bourbon braised greens (these are amazing and I now make them myself).

But what I want to review in depth here is the Cinnabon. Did I ever hear about this in Australia. Comedians, friends, random internet memes: everyone raved about the Cinnabon. So of course I had to try one and try one I did, on my way back from Anaheim a month or so back. I know, airport food is never indicative of the real thing, but I figured it was there, so was I, so why not be there together.

Disappointment, thy name is Cinnabon.
Disappointment, thy name is Cinnabon.

I am still trying to nut out what in hell the white creamy sauce slathered all over it was and the sticky brown residue was frightening in its viscosity and tenacious grip on the cardboard receptacle.

Frankly, if I wasn’t incredibly tired and the line for any other food vendor wasn’t a longer wait than my upcoming flight, I would have given up halfway through.

Having written all this, I am surprisingly hungry now. I must go forage for sustenance. Where’s my jar of vegemite…..

**Join us every Friday for the further adventures of Tanya, our token Aussie and new Director of Sales and Marketing as she experiences the wide wild world of Sacramento in her whimsical, bumbling way.

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